Posts Tagged: humor

Aporkalypse Now!

If you are the sort of human who likes to have a really good panic every now and then and / or enjoys conspiracy theories, I would like to give you a good humorous cross section on the Aporkalypse to help trot you out of too much routing around in the slops of the swine flu hysteria [1]:
Apokalypse 2007 – A Flickr Photoset that involves a piglet and a BBQ spit. It does not end well… for the piglet.
Making Light commenter, albatross, makes reference to the Four Hogs of the Aporkalypse.
How to survive the Aporkalypse by Aaron at Tygerland.net:

Carry a pack of bacon at all times. If someone annoys you simply rub it in their face and watch them freak out.
Start ill-informed superstitions. For example: I heard that, if you wash your genitals in rose-oil after having full-sex with a pig, you won’t catch the flu.

Further Signs of the Aporkalypse (from BoingBoing in 2001! How prescient!)
Last, but not least, The Ham of Darkness, which features a photo of a small blonde child french kissing a pig…
Notes:
[1] If you think I am not taking swine flu or *gasp* Avian Flu or **GASP**ZOMG**GASP**GASP** SARS seriously enough, I would like to trot out that you are much more likely to expire from an automobile accident, heart attack, stroke, or domestic abuse this year than you are of a fairly rare “epidemic” episode that happens once every few years to less that a couple of tens/hundreds/thousand folks world wide. I would really worry about how your local bus driver drives. The Flu is not even on the list of Causes of Death, but TB is. Have you been tested for TB recently?

Fear and Glee in Recessed America

It seems to me that the media (TV, newspapers, radio, the internet, etc.) and several people I know are thoroughly enjoying the current fearmongering fun of “hard times!”, “Recession”, “Depression”.
Everyday I hear radio ads for how to beat the current hard times, all the NPR news presenters are starting their segments by mentioning how rough things are, and in the last month the LA Times has more ads and advertising supplements folded into the paper on a daily basis than there has been in the last five years.
I have friends and family members who can only talk about how “bad” it is. Only problem is that none of these folks have lost their jobs, nor their homes, nor any real lifestyle differences. I called two of them out on it recently, as they were talking about how “hard” it is.
I said, “You are saying that with glee. Are you enjoying this?”
Both were shocked into silence and then kept talking about the doom and gloom.
Yes, people, America is enjoying this. We love our horror. We love our shock. We love our End Times. We love our big budget Hollywood Thrillers and Action flicks. We love our apocalypses. We love prophesying THE END.
Funny thing is that the end never seems to come. Well, except individual death. And the credit card bills keep showing up every month. And once a year, in April, the taxes are due.
As Americans we love fear. FDR told us that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. No, in 2008, there is nothing quite as enjoyable and gleeful as fear itself. Why do we enjoy the fear? Is it a nice break from our optimism?
But hey, the LA Times food section just did a whole Wednesday section on Depression era cooking, shopping, and articles on how to make the food budget stretch.
Back in 1991 – 1993, everyone was really gleeful about the mini-Depression we were going through, esp. here in SoCal where the AeroSpace Industry was collapsing due to the end of the Cold War. In ’91-93, the big gleeful fad was Depression era Prairie style dresses, long flowing print dresses with clasps to cinch in the waist. Dang it all if we didn’t wait out that recession in Doc Martens, dreadlocks, and flowing flowered dresses.
Be as gleeful or fearful/gleeful as you want about this Recession, but what I want to know is where are all the fun dresses?

Les Doggies at Camp Sue

Les Doggies at Camp Sue

Mon 06.23.08 – Activity Schedule for Les Doggies at Camp Sue:
5:50am Wake up call
6:00am Running around the property and following Sue around as she watered.
6:30am Dogs barking as Camille drops off 2 canoes.
7:00am Sue throws ball, Belle and Reo catch it.
8:00am Weed the vegetable garden.
9:00am Belle goes in and out of the house following Sue.
9:30am 1st Nap of the day.
11:00am Belle v. Reo in the 2008 Bishop Chuckit Finals. Belle 8, Reo 1.
Noon 2nd Nap of the day.
2pm Watch the Humans.
3pm All dogs climb in old Escape to drive to Rock Creek Lake.
4pm Throw ball and stick, dogs fetch.
4:30pm Walk all the way around the Lake.
6:00pm 3rd Nap of the day
7:00pm All dogs get bathed
7:30pm Dogs fed
8:00pm Humans eat dinner, dogs beg.
9:15pm Last outdoors excursion.
9:30pm Dog lights out.
Update:
1:10am Tick found crawling from Scruffy across bed to Human. Human completely freaks out, uses side of hard cover book to try to kill tick. Instead flushes it down the toilet.
2:38 am Camp Director Sue wakes everyone up to ask then to open windows, as she has turned off the A/C. Scuffy rolls on carpet next to Reo & Amigo, picks up YET another truly disgusting and evil tick. Human again picks up tick and flushes it down toilet.
4:something am Human finally falls asleep, then dreams of 20 foot ticks attacking dogs and humans.
6:10 am Dogs and Humans wake up to find the air filled with smoke from lightning strike fires.

Zanzara

Kerala Backwaters Boat Tour - The Foot Edition
Photo taken by Ms. Jen on Thurs. Feb. 14, 2008,
in the Kerala backwaters with a Nokia N82.

Zanzara… the word sounds so exotic, doesn’t it? It is a Italian word for an insect and the when you say zanzara is is somewhat descriptive to how the insect sounds when it flies real close to your ear. zzzz zzzz zzzz.
The Aussies use the word mozzie. In English, we say mosquito. I call them, “Why, you little f*^kers!” as I attempt to eradicate them from the vicinity.
After getting my vaccinations for India, I was not allowed out of the Kaiser Permanente building without a prescription for malaria pills. All of the Brits and Europeans I have spoken to so far here in India, were given all the same shots by their health care folk but were told they didn’t need the malaria pills. huh. I’d rather be safe than sorry.
During the Kerala Backwaters boat tour today, Grazyna noted that I did not have any mosquito bites on my legs or feet, whereas her bites had bites. I asked if she had taken the following precautions that I have learned over the years:
How to prevent or at least reduce getting bit by mosquitoes:
1) Stay somewhere with screens on the windows or in an AC room.
2) When in mosquito country, only use unscented soap or shower gel. Mosquitoes primary job in life is to be plant pollinators, only the females bite when breeding. So, don’t walk around smelling like a flower or a fruit.
3) Sub-corollary: Don’t wear perfume in mosquito country, esp. if you are me and all your perfume is rose & gardenia scents.
4) Wash your feet well with unscented soap twice a day. One of the widespread mosquitoes around the world loves all things stinky, esp. foot smell, and will only bite your feet. So instead of wondering why only your feet got bitten, wash ’em.
5) Use an insect repellent with at least 50% deet. Spray it everywhere, including on your clothes.
While my arms, legs and feet were bite free on Thursday, my butt was not. Yes, people, I neglected to spray the deet repellent on my capri pants and they were thin enough for the mosquitoes to bite me on the backside. I may have an itchy backside, but I did take my malaria pill on time yesterday… ;o)