Monthly Archives: July 2006

Sports Panic

Conversation in the apartment kitchen this morning:
Roommate’s German Girlfriend: Oh, you are rooting for Germany!
Me: Huh??????
Me: ((thinking: Uh, yeah, if Germany is playing the Ducks at Dodger Stadium, sure I’ll root for them, esp. if the Ducks get to keep their hockey sticks and play by hockey rules….))
Roommate’s German Girlfriend: Well, your hair is black, red and yellow like the German flag. Did you dye it that way for today?
Me: ((completely puzzled as morning brain pre-caffeine sorts through information))
Me: Ha ha ha… no, usually the streak in my hair is purple but has faded to pink….
Me: ((uh… is she talking about soccer? uhhh… I think so… uhhh… my hair is brown, pink and blonde right now… what country’s flag is brown, pink and yellow? I will root for them in underwater chess… dang, I don’t have any rice dream for my millet cereal… what am I going to eat… oh, look leftover rice pasta and half a diet coke! Yeah!))
I have spent my life in a sports family, a family that plays sports not watches it. And a reading family. Books, books, and lots more books. I can sail, play volleyball, ride a horse, play soccer, play baseball, downhill ski, cross-country ski, hike, ride my bike, roller skate, ice skate, etc. I even like to go to the odd baseball game on occasion (once every 5 years), with binoculars, mostly to figure out which guy on which team has the nicest natural round butt (excellent butt watching at the cheap seats at Fenway Park).
But watch a game on the Devil’s Boob-Tube? Fuck that. Boring. Why not have a grass growing channel… If one is going to be a couch potato or lying in bed sausage, it should be done with a good book or a good blog, not watching other people play sports. Go play your own sport.
So to combat my complete lack of interest in watching and following Sport(s) on TV or radio or in the paper or remembering which team is playing which sport let alone the danged stats… I have a running joke with anyone who is sport(s) obsessed, I listen intently and then make the following joke, “So, you are really excited that [Insert Name of Their Fave Team] is playing [Insert Name of a Famous Team in a Completely Different Sport] at [Insert Name of Venue/Stadium for yet a Third Sport, Preferrably in Another State or Country]?”
Rabid sports fans who know me well roll their eyes, rabid fans who don’t know me are either shocked into silence by my Blasphemy or try to Correct My Evil Ways by explaining the inner, molecular details of said sport. Well then, I’ve been known to follow it up by requesting a drunk Brit in the vicinity to explain the rules of Cricket in 2 minutes or less…
I promise to not bore you with a long detailed discussion on the ins and outs of identifying a Black Phoebe vs. a Eastern Phoebe when bird watching, if you promise not to bore me with a long detailed discussion about the stats on your favorite [Insert Name Here] Team.
But if you want to discuss who has the best natural, not enhanced by steriods, butt amongst the lads on the team of your favorite sport, then let’s talk!